![]() Ruin: It was how I sorted out that wheat from the chaff, frighten the fuckers away. The 25-year-old Irish woman with AIDS (no distinctions were made back then really). I think I was a semi-conscious bug-chaser, but also blindingly honest. Ruin: But it was so much not your demographic, that must have been bewildering somewhat. I had fevers, swollen lymph nodes and one night a pain in the left side of my neck like a piece of rebar had been jammed up from my clavicle. ![]() There was a rumour that some people were, and I had been such a slattern to that point, and always stayed negative, so I sort of allowed myself delude myself.īut I think that I might have wanted it too. I think before that day I thought that I might have been immune. Ruin: I remember reactions over that time, telling people, and getting that "well you were bloody looking for it" reaction. I am thinking I might make the perspective that of the doctor’s, to some degree, not entirely. I sort of discovered that in the act of writing, you start to remember even, to recapture memories. I have no idea what happened in those intervening days. But no, on re-reading, I see it isn’t the day I found out, it’s 12 days later. That's the day I found out, after a little search, but I will make it into a story. Having got to the ripe old age of 47, I haven't even managed to develop the acquisitional gene and imagine that will be a lack until the final shuffling off of this tired old coil.” It’s all about possessions and looking good. ![]() Who needs the ravings of an aberrational cock and cum obsessed dysfunctional unit? The world is about going forth and multiplying, about buying and selling. When I see what is acceptable and celebrated in the Art world it becomes immediately clear why I would not be. As usual I cringe at youth and beauty, but now in a more bitter and twisted way. Meanwhile the world seems even more inaccessible than ever, the art world in particular. That we both want or need to deal with it in totally different ways causes problems intermittently as we knock off each other (relative to Adrian). This acknowledgement of a new but inevitable state of being waxes and wanes, sometimes seeming unbearable and sometimes seeming very ordinary. You know the feeling, that in it but not of it, sort of thing. “I feel like I have dropped out of the world. (On discovering new HIV status Sent : Sun Apr 22, 2001, 9:17 am. Anyway, will stop writing about writing about it and will write it.Ĭries and Whimpers. I feel like I might have to resort to science fiction, a genre I’m not fond of. Peter tested after me and his were terrible. It's near the end of those emails I sent you, but I will contrive to pull it all together. I also have the writing about when we first got our t-cell count back, and mine being higher than his, and there being some guilt. But then what is fiction? Perhaps it’s the story we tell ourselves convincing ourselves that it’s true, those self-justifications we invent to make moving forward possible, that greasing of those wheels. Yes, I will write it, we can also find it in our exchange, and yes, it can include fiction, of course. There’s a similar feeling in it, that prison sentence, the air being drawn out of the room. My head was racing, but then, when is it not?Īmanda Knox writes quite well, relative to that link you sent me, about her ‘Red Letter Day’. I had gone in first, so I had to wait for him. I do remember the shock though, and coming out to discover that Adrian was in with another doctor. I can't even remember if I was sitting opposite a male or female doctor. I will re-build it around those messages, will find it out, write about not remembering it, even. ![]() I was working in the Civil Service at the time. Ruin: Mine is similar, remember very little, though I did write around it, both to you and to one or two others. If it goes in our book, it will have to be largely fictionalized as I remember very little. I’ve never fully described it to myself or anyone else. Rack: I will, but zero energy today and this will require some gusto. Did you go there alone? I went with Adrian, but we got the news separately. Ruin: so, tell me about the day you got the 'news'. Unbunging Selfie, de-freckled, de-gingered and de-aged (Trigger warning in every which way, in every possible direction in the text, not for public consumption, not at all, at all.)
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